31 Days Without You
by CoffeeForKinney
Summary: Beth Greene now has to cope with the fact that she has lost the one that she loves, Daryl Dixon. She's found a coping mechanism, to write him letters every single day, but it isn't really coping it's more like drifting along trying to find a purpose again.
1. Day One

Day One

Dear Daryl,  
>I really do not know how I am coping. It has been a day, not a very good one, well at least from my perspective. All I can see is a gray sky and clouds and rain. It's like you took the light with you when you left. I can still remember it clear as day, considering it was only yesterday anyway.<p>

Rick carried your body back, you weren't far out from camp. It wasn't your fault. You didn't see it coming and I bet that you are blaming yourself for your death. You were trapped and Rick was. Those guys shot you in the shoulder and now that daddy isn't around anymore and Bob was out on a run with Maggie... you bled out. I stayed with you, those last breaths you took telling me that you'd be fine and we'd live through this. I was crying, and for once in my entire existence I saw you cry.

"Merle is gonna be there with you," I told you. "You don't have to be scared, you aren't alone." I kissed you one last time, it was precious. You closed those sweet blue eyes that I never have the chance to tell you how much I loved them. I know I'm a hypocrite but does it matter anymore? Yes, I did say that we all have jobs to do and we can't cry anymore, but I lost you. Daryl Dixon, the man who opened himself up to me, let me in, and for that I am forever grateful. That was in a book Maggie had brought back for me from the run, 'The Fault In Our Stars' I think it was.

You told me you loved me before you went. That was the last words you spoke, and as much as it seemed a cliche thing to say, it was perfect. You asked me to do it, to kill you while you were still living, but I turned you down. I had Rick do it once you were dead. How could I look at you and stab a knife into your head? I don't know maybe it would have been nice I guess but I couldn't.

We held a funeral today for you. The church grounds were clear and we'd fenced it off just like you had suggested we do. Since daddy wasn't here anymore I figured that I'd say some words about you, they were sappy but they were honest Daryl. They went something along the lines of...

"I'm not going to talk about how much Daryl meant to me or how much he was appreciated. We can all face that fact that Daryl has saved our lives countless times before. But Daryl, he was a good person. There are still good people in the world, I told him that countless times. Eventually he saw it.

When we were all split up, Daryl and I we spent a lot of time together. I remember one time we were in the camp he made and I wanted a drink, he threw me a bottle of water and when I protested he followed me. We eventually found a shack and moonshine, it was on of the best days of my life. Daryl told me he was an asshole when he was drunk, but Daryl Dixon could never ever be an asshole even if he tried.

We all loved Daryl more than he knew, he was so reluctant to affection that I'm pretty sure if you'd saw a guy like that outside the Apocalypse you'd be convinced he was gay. But, Daryl, he was the light of my life and now the light has gone. But, we all have jobs to do."

I couldn't end it being emotional Daryl, you never liked it when I cried and I wouldn't cry in front of them. Maggie knew me all to well and soon found me. We sat for hours on hours where I would talk to her about how much I loved you and how much I wanted to make you see that.

My biggest regret about your death was that no matter how much I wanted to, you never let me have moonshine again. Daryl, that drink, probably the best drink I've ever had in my life. It's our drink, nobody could take that away from us. I have to go now, I wanted to go on watch with Michonne. Rick found it fitting that I had your crossbow, but I don't know what to do with it Daryl, I can use it you taught me to. But, I can never use it like you.

I miss you, I love you, I always have. Beth x (P.S I'm sorry for the tear stains, I couldn't help it this time)


	2. Day Two

Day Two

Dear Daryl,  
>It's only now just starting to hit me you're gone. When I wake up in the morning, I still expect to see your blue eyes staring at me, pushing my hair behind my ears and kissing my forehead good morning. It's small things like that. I haven't cried for 30 minutes, I guess it's an improvement from this morning. Instead of seeing you, I saw Glenn and Maggie tangled up in each others arms. That's when it starts to ache Daryl, seeing what I can't have anymore. I took you for granted and I hate myself for it! You were the only life line I had, the reason I survived. I'm not surviving anymore, I'm just existing.<p>

Life really isn't worth living without you, I miss everything about you. Your stupid smirk you wore when you watched me use the crossbow, those damn ice eyes which would melt on occasions, your muscles were huge and made me feel like I was safe and secure. You. I miss you, I miss every single thing about you and this pain in my chest won't go away and it hurts. It hurts like hell. Why'd you have to go, I miss you.

Maggie is making me go on a run today, I really don't want to go. I just want time to heal, I just want time alone. Away from everyone, but the only thing I want I can't have which is you. Everything reminds me of you. How can everyone smile when you're gone? How can everyone live? You were the foundations of this family Daryl.

I pray for you, no matter how stupid everyone thinks it is. I pray for you. I pray that you and Merle are getting along, I pray that daddy is having a stern talk with you like he did with Glenn. At least he has company now, he has you. Daddy may look all innocent on the outside but when it comes to his girls he clamps down, I just hope you are getting alone and he's not stringing you up to high. I wonder what heaven is like? Is it pretty? These are all questions I want to ask you. But, you can't answer them.

I don't know how to be happy anymore Daryl, it's like you only made me happy. My cheeks hurt, my throat was sore, my neck hurt from throwing it back from laughing so hard when you tickeled me. Sometimes I wish I had amnesia, so I could forget every single memory we had together, but I never want to forget us, that's like forgetting you have lungs or to breathe. You made me forget to breathe. When you walked in from runs, your hair matted all over your face (I really wish you'd let me cut it) you made me smile and lose every sense about me. You made me weak but yet so strong. You taught me how to live, not survive, to live and I couldn't have asked for anything else. You gave my life purpose.

Sometimes I wish it was all a dream, and I'd wake up next to you in the mornings on the farm. We'd have a child a boy, his name would be Hershal Merle, after your brother and my father. He'd have your eyes and my smile. His room would be gray because you hated the idea of sterotyping boys and girls. You'd teach him how to use your crossbow and I'd help him with his homework. Our lives would have been great, not perfect because there is no such thing, but perfect. At one time I thought that this could all still happen. But, I can't see a world without you anymore Daryl. It hurts to even think of it.

Everyone keeps asking me if I'm okay. I'm not okay. How can I be. I'm not Rick, I can't deal with my emotions by going on a zombie killing spree. I can't deal with them because the person who made me strong is gone. You were like my support pole and now that's gone and it feels like my body is just drifitng around in thin air. It's like you made me whole and I don't know how to be that again. I refuse to be selfish and wish for you back, I know you are not coming back.

I'm getting nightmares now. Where you come back as a walker and try to kill everyone around us. Maggie tries to calm me down, but it's like the image of you is tapped to my eyelids. Every single time I close my eyes I see you, whether it's walker form or not you are still there. But, I'm sitting with you right now. I found some flower, they're white ones because they remind me of you. Good; pure. You were my sweet posion which I never minded taking as it killed me slowly, I guess my time to die was then. It's kind of pathetic how dependent on you I was.

I sit in the living room of this church, Maggie and Rick talk about me. They are getting worried I'm not coping. What do they expect. Rick tries to help me but it never ever helps. It's more of thrusting the memory of you into my mind and I can't cope with that. I don't want to know you're gone, I refuse to believe it. What the hell did you to do me Daryl Dixon, because I loved it. But, you're gone and now I just can't survive without you.

I've got to go now otherwise I'm going to soak this entire book, I love you too much. Beth x


	3. Day Three

**Day Three**

Dear Daryl,  
>There is one point in the day where it feels okay, the morning. For those vital few seconds I don't remember you're gone. Then it hits me hard in the chest, like an arrow. It's raining, but I don't care. I'm sick anyway because I slept by your grave last night, the room felt too empty.<p>

I don't know how I am living. I'm being repetitive but I really don't know what to write. Maybe hopeless poetry; maybe stupid lyrics. I just don't know. I can't think logically, Maggie said it's just the grief but I have no clue what's happening. I don't think it's grief; I'm sure it's this life. Watching your back every single second of every single day. There is no where you can hide anymore, I can look after Judith and stay behind everyone like some little kid. But, I'm not a kid and you know that.

Quickly after I stayed by your side I wandered back in at 3 in the morning, Maggie decided to have me put under surveillance. She doesn't think that I'm "strong" enough to live right now.

"It's gonna be like it was at the farm," she said. "She's just shutting down again." Everyone is agreeing with her. I'm strong enough? I'm sure if you were here... you'd tell them to stop treating me like a kid right?

I made a stupid decision Daryl, and I'm so sorry for it. I found a liquor store, there wasn't much there but it was enough. You were right Daryl, peach schnapps is terrible, Vodka's a little strong for me, but sweet sweet Whiskey. Now, that's a drink I like. It's comforting, which is ironic because I think it was called Southern Comfort. This is the time I wish I had a radio, so I could lay in the cab of the truck and scream the lyrics to an obnoxious song, with you.

I still remember how you taught me to drive, Maggie was less than pleased about it. I found a truck on the run, I made it my own. There's about 8 bottles of alcohol in the tray, all useless but I can tell they are going to help me for a while. I'll have to go on a run on my own soon, get some more to add to it. Alcohol really does numb the pain, I found myself toasting you at least 3 times and laughing before Maggie came and found me laying down on the seat.

The walkers, they aren't to bad. Close calls don't even come close anymore. It's like I'm a robot, mechanically trained to kill. Do you think it's worth trying to talk to talk to you? Will you even hear me? I don't know; you don't either. I haven't tried. Maggie would call me insane for it anyway. I don't even think that you can even know about this, but this book is like an escape route for me. It's where I can write every single emotion down without anyone judging me for it. Nobody has found out about it, except from Maggie, which is to be expected. It's just the normal now, I finish my shift on watch, go to the truck, write to you and drink, visit you then go back to fending off walkers. My routine hasn't changed, it's just more painful and consists of less and less and less.

I compared this pain to daddy dying. In a way it is, but in away it isn't. I lost the man I love. The man I gave myself to, not just in body, but in spirit. I gave you my everything, and I pray you did the same. I'm going to write this cheesy paragraph about love but it's all going to be true Daryl Dixon, because no matter what you say I loved you and you loved me to. Love it's a strange thing, it makes decisions for you, changes your priorities. My priority was you, yours was me and together we were a mess made in heaven, which was where it was heading anyway.

If I can remember anything from the bible it would be this " Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away." Do you know how true that is Daryl. I can leave that up to you, I know you weren't a believer. I believe though Daryl, and I know that you are safely wrapped in the arms of heaven and I'm sure they're taking damn good care of you. You need to let me know if it's not, because I need to talk to them when I join you, which will probably be soon. I doubt I'll last to the end of the week Daryl, but I'll try my best to survive for you considering you wanted us to survive together.

I have to drive back now Daryl, I bet if there wasn't an Apocalypse right now I'd be arrested for drink driving, love Beth.


	4. Day Four

**Day Four**

Dear Daryl,  
>A herd hit last night, hit us hard. I stood on the roof with Maggie screaming at me to get down while I shot from the top. There was about two dozen of them, I have no words to describe walkers. I managed 6 of them before I heard a scream. I closed my eyes focusing on the threat before I could tend to anyone. My mouth turned dry as they fell one by one. I slid off the roof and jumped on the floor landing on a walker. Let's just say I wasn't too pleased. I tried to find the source of the scream, when I found Tara laying on the floor clutching her arm. I couldn't deal with it, seeing another death that is. I walked off before the gun shot sounded announcing her death.<p>

I wandered back to the woods, scaling a tree so I'd be safe. Your crossbow sat on my back the entire time and I worked my hands over it, remembering how you taught me to hold it. Your rough finger tips on my hands, like if you squeezed to hard they'd break

"Don't close ya eye," you said. "That's why yer aims off." I landed it straight on target that time. You did that smirk which I loved so much and lent up against a tree. You looked so beautiful, but I wouldn't have said that to you. We brought food back for the camp and we sat by the fire as they cooked. Your poncho wrapped around us; my arms snaked around you. Everyone went to bed before us and we sat by the fire, whispering small things to each other and softly laughing.

"I love you, so much Dixon," I'd tell you.

"I know you do Greene," you said. You didn't tell me you loved me until you were on the verge of death. I sat with you for hours. Rick thought I'd be best to push the knife through the side of your head so we couldn't see it as much. Your head was in my lap as I pushed your hair back from your forehead.

When I eventually got back to camp everyone was grieving over the loss of Tara. It was silent; too silent. Everyone looked up at me before looking back down. I walked upstairs into one of the bedrooms where the screams of grief started. I looked ahead at Maggie collapsed over a body then she looked at me. I took a deep breath and then looked at Glenn's face. His eyes closed; his chest still.

He was gone. That's when I started to cry again. Maggie and I sat looking at Glenn just hoping he'd wake up somehow. But, I guess he's with you now. Maggie told me that you "best be looking out for him". There's now two more graves next to yours. Which we were not hoping for but we knew were going to come. We had their funerals the same day. Maggie stood next to Glenn, Abraham next to Tara and I stood by the end of the church just watching. Watching is what I do now observing. Maggie was crying, she was the only one. Judith was on my hip playing with my braid in my hair. Her hands tangling in the knots. They filed in one by one to the church and I handed Little Ass Kicker to Rick before I began to run laps of the church ground. You told me that speed was crucial, so I was attempting to build up my endurance so I could push my body further. I am lucky I was on the track team before the turn, so my speed was okay and my endurance is great. I'm not strong though and Rick said that he'd pick up some weights if he could find them on a run.

There hasn't been much going on today I'm sorry, most of the days are boring since you aren't here to entertain me anymore. Love always, Beth.


	5. Day Five

Dear Daryl,

I figured maybe if I threw myself into work then I wouldn't be as emotional as I was. So that's what I did, I threw myself into work. I helped get the car loaded, I helped with Judith. I kept her entertained while Rick and Michonne loaded up the car. We were moving as the gun shots from yesterday morning would attracted a herd and we didn't have enough defenses to prevent an entire herd. Rick, Michonne, Judith, Maggie, Carol and I sat in one car while the others traveled to another. We had no clue where we were going and we had little gas. There was a gas station a few miles ahead but we didn't have enough gas to get there. I settled with getting Judith to sleep before we had any chance of getting out of this place. It doesn't feel safe anymore, the prison felt safe... the church felt safe until you left us.

We ran into some walkers not much really, but it wasn't a big deal. Maybe all the walkers are dying off and maybe just maybe we can have a chance of living again... normally. I know that many of us don't think we have a fighting chance, but Daryl I know we do. I know that we can survive and I know that we can restore humanity. I know that many people have died, suffered and murdered. Heck, we are all murders. I've killed walkers, they were living people. They had lost their senses, emotions every single thing that made them human.

Rick and Michonne are planning to head towards Washington for Eugene to find the cure. I doubt that the cure exists. It's about wiping about the walkers, killing us when we die for a second time. It won't be hard, it's not going to take long maybe 5-10 years to eradicated them. There is never going to be simple, life is never going to be simple. Something is going to come up then another and another and another. You know what Daryl? I honestly wish that we had died together. Then maybe, just maybe we'd be happy. That is a really selfish thing of me to say, but I am not going to take it back. We wouldn't be constantly watching our backs and hoping we wouldn't die, We'd be happy and we'd be together. We'd be able to do whatever we wanted in a safe place, where we would not fear for our lives.

I've never had anything other than my voice and a kind hearted soul. Some how I am thankful for the apocalypse because it made my life entertaining for a while, you know beside the fact that I could die any day. But, the best thing that came out of the apocalypse was you. You made me feel like life was worth living again, that anything could be possible. I also think that you saw it too. You never answered my question. I asked you "what changed your mind?" and you never answered. I think it was me, but I don't know for sure Daryl. All I know that that I am incurably and deeply in love with you. I'm not changing it to was yet, it is too soon Daryl. I'm still in love with you.

Have you ever thought about it, that Maggie and I go through everything together. Glenn and you died four days apart from each other, we are both grieving. Maggie and I we shouldn't be sharing this much Daryl, we shouldn't have lost either of you. It's not your fault either. It's this stupid world and this stupid life! I can't cope Daryl it's too much and there is no escape. Suicide isn't even an option Maggie would kill me first. I can't leave her and somehow I feel that I can't because I owe it to you. I need to live for you because you wanted me to live. You tried to make me feel normal; you tried to make me feel human. I can't be human anymore. All these emotions are making me insane and are curbing my rational thoughts and destroying my life! You would help me calm down and you would help me see that life is worth living anymore.

I want to be happy for you Daryl, I want to live like there is a point in life anymore. But, I can't. There is nothing to live for anymore. Maybe I will see you tonight, maybe I won't. Let's pray that I can survive through the night.

I love you, maybe I'll see you soon. Beth x


	6. Day Six

Day Six

Dear Daryl,

I survived the night. I guess that is something to count. We're still moving for Washington. We stopped and I finally got to drive my truck, Sasha was driving it because Maggie wanted to keep an eye on me. I was left with the silent road enveloping me and my mind reeling with every single dreadful thought ever written. I'm not sure if you can call this depression but I'm sure that this is. It's like a blanket of darkness and pity surrounding me and I can't push it away, it's suffocating me. I wouldn't wish this upon anyone Daryl, even if they had committed the worst ever crime. It's impossible to describe. It's tearing me apart limb from limb and it's not fair Daryl! I wanted us to live together. I wanted us to survive and I guess that none of us do. We die. Every single day and at this rate I'm next. I'd rather die on my feet than live on my knees Daryl! I'm living on my knees. I'm being weak; I'm not being strong. You taught me to be strong, you taught me so many things. I just wish you could teach me more.

We pulled into an old run down store. There wasn't much there only a few items of clothing and some cans of random food. There was a car seat at the back. We put it in my truck so Judith would have some quiet to sleep. She slept peacefully, I envy that. She can sleep without a single worry on her mind; she can sleep like everything is okay. She is the hope we have, she should be growing up in a world that wouldn't like to kill her. A world that would love her more than she would have known. That little girl deserves more than she is going to get. She deserves a decent life, you did too. You deserved everything in life that you didn't get. You deserved a loving family, you deserved much more than you got. I'm trying my best not to cry Daryl, but this world... this world kills every single day. It took you and it's enough just to drive me mad and kill everyone in sight. I'm losing hope, I'm losing sight of who I am, I'm losing every single piece of me that I loved. I'm losing my life.

We've stopped for the night. I found a stale packet of cigarettes underneath the seats. I bet you and daddy are killing me now. I'm drinking, I'm smoking. It's kind of funny how everyone deals with grief. Rick goes on a rampage, Maggie cries, I turn into someone completely different from who I am. Maybe this is what I've become. I'm going through my rebel stage at 19... oh god I wish you were here to keep me in line. Maggie doesn't have time for me. She's isolating herself from the world, who can blame her. I want to do the same. Daryl can you explain to me how I am meant to cope? How I am meant to see into the future without you because I don't know. Maybe I'm staring into a hole of self pity and despair but I'm not caring Daryl. Who knows what life has in store for us? Who knows what anyone has. My days here are numbered and we know it's coming to an end soon.

On the bright side Judith can now say my name. It's heart breaking, she asks for you. She calls you Dixie. It's adorable. She pouts and calls for you. Rick has to hold her and he can't bring himself to tell her you're gone. She just giggles and pulls at Rick's hair and hugs him. It is amazing how she can be so happy though everyone she loves is dying. We'll all be gone one day and she'll have nobody. My heart aches for her. Judith will grow up so beautifully, don't hate me for it but she'll know how amazing you were. I'll teach her how to use the crossbow when she's old enough and I'll teach her how to love like you did. Boundlessly and passionately. I'll teach her how to be a woman and I'll teach her how to be strong and brave. Oh god I wish you were here to help me and I wish you could see how fast she's growing up. I wish you could hold me in your arms and whisper sweet nothings into my ear. I wish that I was dead. I wish that I could be in a safe haven with you, I wish that I'd have a proper chance at goodbyes. Everyone I love turns to dust so I guess I should stop loving.

All my love, I miss you. Beth x


	7. Day Seven

**AN : I'm so grateful for all your reviews and your supportive comments. Guys if you haven't already I have a bethyl tumblr which you could follow maybe (damn-romance-novel) I do post things about this fanfic and I write prompts. I'm just so happy now because so many great things are happening in my life, I made this longer for you as a treat okay bye (This is the longest one I've written) :)**

**Day Seven**

Something happened today and I'm pretty sure you have seen it. But, I still don't know what happened, I'm so out of everything and I'm literally trying to sort through my brain. My brain has fried and I'm trying to sort everything out. My mind hurts; my body aches. Everything hurts and I just want you to hold me and tell me what happened to me would never happen again. But, I don't know what's happening. It's like I just sit in the truck with nothing to do and Maggie watches me from the side and Carol tries to tell me it wasn't my fault, that I didn't bring it upon myself. But, I did. I brought it upon myself. It's bad karma. It's because I was so selfish mourning over you for nearly a week when we had jobs to do.

I went on a run. It was a normal run, just to a small shopping centre. I walked in, the store was clear. I opened my bag and pushed some fallen cans on the floor into my bag. The store was clear and I walked towards the back where there was a small shelf with bottles of water on. I stepped up on a box to grasp them when a hand covered my mouth and grasped me pulling me off. I fell into a hard chest which made me scream. I knew I'd done some damage to my ankle, it still wasn't fully recovered from the bear trap. I was pretty sure I sprained it again. I elbowed him in the rib cage which gave me enough time to get out of his grasp and face him. I kicked him in the shoulder as he was bent over. A hand grasped me from behind and I bit his hand. He let me go and I sprinted towards the door but someone was blocking it off. He was tall and muscular and smirked at me.

"So doll, whats a nice girl like you doing here alone?" He asked backing me up into a shelf. I bumped into sending it tumbling to the floor. I remained silent holding my ground from where the shelf fell. His face was rather chubby and his arm was covered with a snake tattoo from what I could make out. His chest rose and fell with rhythmic laughter. I gritted my teeth together and lifted my damaged leg up quickly kicking him just above the knee which made his leg give out and I attempted to move past him. I got outside and spotted my truck. I dashed for it but I was pulled back and slammed up against the wall. The man held his arm up against my throat making it impossible for my to breathe constantly and evenly.

"Why are you tryin' t' run? You wouldn't leave before the fun has started would you?" He purred into my ear. I wanted to cry out to anyone that would listen but as far as the others knew I was sleeping in the truck. I yelped trying to pull his hand from my throat.

"Take it easy!" The oldest one snapped. "The girls gotta breathe dammit!" He dropped me down me down the wall and his pressure was released as I panted for air.

"Who wants to go first?" The most muscular one asked. I gasped. "Oh honey you're blonde hair would look so good tangled in my hand," he whispered "aren't you wet for me baby?". I heard the sickening sound of a ripping condom and I froze. I glared at the man remembering that my knife was planted in my belt. I bent out my back and gasped for air slowly pulling out the knife. I glared at the man and without thinking I stabbed him in the thigh and made a run for it. I managed to escape driving the car back to the camp. I sat in the car hitting the steering wheel. I picked up the bottle that was in the seat downing it. I wish you were here.

From then on, all I've done is sit in the car. Maggie found me and snuck in next to me. I shuffled up against the car door. Maggie looked at me with concern. "

"You weren't sleeping in the car were you," she asked. I remained still. "Beth, please answer me." I turned to her teary eyed.

"No." Maggie's eyes went wide as she looked at me.

"Can you tell me what happened?" I took a deep breath before I looked back at my hands. I looked at the bottle in my hand before drinking more of it. I lit a cigarette in my hand before pushing the poison stick between my lips and looking at her. I began to tell the story without going into detail. Maggie wrapped my arms around my shoulders and turned me into her side. It was meant to be comforting but it really did not want it. Every single touch made me think of the moments of them and I want you to make me forget all these memories. Dammit Daryl Dixon why the hell did you have to leave me. I can't believe I'm being so selfish but it's true. It's probably making you feel guilty and it's tearing you up. I don't want to make you feel like this and I really don't want this anymore. It's painful for me to even live. The jagged pieces of my heart and puncturing my lungs. It's getting difficult for me to live.

I'm going to make myself cry more than I usually do if I continue this entry, I'm so sorry to end it on a negative note Daryl. But, I love you more than words can say. Beth xo


	8. Day Eight

**Thank you so much for the reviews guys! I hope this satisfies you and have a great rest of your day! And for all of you that went to school I hope you have fun and enjoy! I'm still off school until September. I love you all! ~ DixonGreene010 **

**Day Eight**

Dear Daryl,

The road was tough, walkers everywhere and the tyres on the cars were losing grip. Merle's bike, I guess I forgot to tell you has sat in the back of the truck. So it's safe and I don't know why all your belongings are being handed down to me. You'd call me reckless and stupid for trying to even attempt to use the bike. I have to learn as the tire on the Volvo has burst. Rick, Maggie and Tyreese now have to use the truck so I'm on the bike. I am just praying that they don't take my alcohol or my cigarettes. The bike was surprisingly easy to ride, but felt empty. I was so used to being on the back while you sat up front, my arms wrapped around your stomach and my chest being pushed up against your back, the wind wiping at my hair. I used to laugh as you tightened the strap on my helmet and tapped me on the head. You gave me a lecture about being safe and I ignored you. But, it's okay. I'm still using the helmet.

The bike feels free, it feels like I can escape. In a way the bike is making me strong. It's like it's making my emotions pile up and be tossed into the wind with the wisps of my hair. It is therapeutic and on one hand, it makes me remember the good things and not the bad. It reminded me of when we lent up against the bike in the clearing you'd found and we'd kiss. We'd laugh at each other and you'd hold my cross necklace in your hand then pull me in to your chest. You'd tell me that when the apocalypse was over you'd marry me, call me Mrs Dixon and we'd have babies and live like every day was our last... Because it could be.

Every single day I fell in love with you more and more. You became a person that made my life whole, like it was worth living. It made my stomach swirl upside down and do back flips. It makes me want to run away from it but it drew me in like a teenage girl to pizza. I felt compelled to be close to you Mr Dixon and your troublesome ways. You made me want to set myself on fire and burn in a pile of ashes but then you made my soul ignite into a raging fire. You made me learn what passion was exactly. You made me see that the soul is capable of feeling so many emotions for a single human being that it would knock the wind out from under your feet. It made me feel at home and it made me feel like I could defeat anything and come back stronger and stronger each time! Daryl Dixon you made me a better person.

We found a camp not far from DC, it is a prenatal hospital with high fences with enough room to park the cars. It made my heart swell at the memories of the prison. But, I guess it was going to do for now. The inside was wood and it looked like nobody had touched here. We searched for walkers but there was none here. They must have abandoned this place when it started The rooms were all tidy and neat bar from one. There were moans and groans from one room. Rick stood beside me along with Maggie as I looked through the peep hole. There was a woman dressed in a nurse uniform she had a cross in her hand. Suicide. I stepped back leaving Rick kill her. The place wasn't full of food but there had been a few things left from a vending machine. This place was safe for now. We'd have to push the cars up against the fence for an extra defence and maybe walker proof a bit more. Judith is walking around picking up the toys from the floor, I assumed that they had a baby care unit here. I watched her for a while before Maggie sat down beside me.

"This would have been a great place to have had the baby," I suggested to Maggie. She sniffed and looked down. "Glenn would have wanted you to have the baby here."

"There is nothing we can do about it now, what is done it done. I couldn't have looked after a baby in the apocalypse Beth, I'm not you." Maggie stormed off and left me there. She's still sore about the miscarriage she had last year.

I wonder what it would have been like if we'd had a baby Daryl? I leave you think about it, Beth xo


	9. Day Nine

**Day Nine**

Dear Daryl,

It makes me sad to see all this unused equipment lying around untouched. I know that it's dangerous to be pregnant in the apocalypse but that doesn't stop fate? I know that with Lori passing pregnancy doesn't seem fair to put a woman through but that doesn't mean that we should give up on the idea. I guess all this is too much to handle at the moment, maybe if we had been here when Judith was born Lori would have survived and Judy would have her mother around her. My heart aches for Judith only having Rick as a parent. Carl, he's such a good brother to her, he sat with her for 2 hours yesterday trying to get her mind off her teething.

Maggie hasn't stopped staring out of the window, she thinks that this place isn't safe and we should not stay here for long at all. But, Maggie doesn't understand that this place may just be the safest place we've had since the prison. She's too caught up in grief to understand this situation, but this time last week I was exactly the same. I'm not going back to that Daryl, you never liked it when I was upset so I won't cry and I will not mourn anymore. I had a week of that and I'm not accepting anymore of grieving time.

We had a meeting today, who would travel with Eugene into Washington. It was settled that Abraham, Rosita, Eugene, Sasha, Rick and Tyreese would head into Washington while we waited it out here. We were all going to go, but now it's them. They leave tomorrow morning. I have to check on the fences in a few minutes so I need to make this quick. We found a CD player and a few CD's, and it's the best thing ever for me! There was a 'Goo Goo dolls' CD it was my favourite artist before the turn and I found a Les Miserables sound track! I remember playing Cosette in a high school. I figured I'd introduce Judith to Les Mis and show her my favourite ever song, stars. Sometimes I sing it without knowing, and I do not regret it at all.

I remember the exact moment I fell in love with you Daryl Dixon. When you and I sat on the porch of the cabin nursing moonshine under the moonlight. You're face was so absent of emotion as you stabbed your knife into the wood telling me about your life before the turn, you were honest with me. That's nothing more than I could have asked for, Jimmy nor Zach were completely honest with me yet you were. You opened up to me and told me something I guess most of us don't know. You let me inside and those blue eyes that were filled with anger and pain slowly become ones of sadness and of remorse. You don't like it when I'm mushy Daryl Dixon but in this moment I do not care, I feel sappy and in love. I'm in love with a dead person, an average day in the apocalypse right?

Maggie is telling me to get over you, but I can't. It's like Maggie trying to get over Glenn. We weren't married Daryl Dixon but at some times it felt like it. The amount of times Rick told us to stop bickering was unbelievable. I still laugh at every single memory we have together.

I've got to go Daryl, sorry this was so short but Carl is calling for me. Love you, Beth xo

_**A.N: So guys I've started a new book called 'Flames' it's a Bethyl college AU and I would love it if you guys left some reviews on it and checked it out. I'm so sorry for the lack of updates I have so much homework due in before school starts back! I love you guys :)**_


	10. Day Ten

Day Ten

I am currently sitting on the roof of this centre, it's peaceful. There's waste littering the ground and only a handful of walkers slowly dragging their lonesome lives across the streets. The stars are shining so brightly that I forgot how beautiful they were. They are like shinging white lights, when I was younger daddy told me that the brightest stars represented the people we loved who had past. I see 5 bright stars, my mother, daddy, you, Maggie's baby, and Glenn. I have your crossbow resting between my knees, the metal is slightly rusting away at the edges and but it's not too bad. It's like a piece of you and I can see you sharply turning and sending an arrow straight into a walker skull. It's amazing how the human mind works isn't it? I can picture you every single day and I'm determined to to forget your face.

It started to rain earlier, and for once I was greatful for it. When I was younger I hated the rain, it meant I couldn't go riding on the horses and I couldn't see my friends. But, now that I look at it I see how beautiful it is. A clear droplet that is so innocent that has no idea it'll die when the sun comes out and evaporates into the sky. I guess a lot of things were so beautiful when I was younger, but I guess when your imagination can run wilde without the concept of reality a lot of things are so beautiful.

Judith is so big now, she's walking around and clapping her hands. She calls for Rick and Carl so much and a few times Rick isn't there so she calls for me. She calls me "effy", she can't quite get the 'b' or the 'th'. She's gotten Bethy from daddy and Maggie. A few times I couldn't have coped and I gave her to Carl and cried. I am tired and sick and suffering because we lost so many people.

Early in the morning they left for DC. We all said goodbye. I stood at the back my arms crossed over my chest. I would have been there kissing your lips and hugging you threatening you if you didn't come back that I'd kill you. I wouldn't have let go until the moment was absolutely critical to. You would kiss my forehead telling me that you loved me and I'd tell you I loved you, I'd wipe the corner of my right eye and wave at you while the car drove off. We'd laugh because that's all we have, I mean had. Oh god Daryl you have made me a mess. Seeing Rick hold Judith and Carl in his arms whispering sweet nothings into their ears made me think of what would happen if we'd had a family. I don't know though Daryl you always confused me.

They still haven't returned from DC, according to my watch they've been gone 13 hours. They left at 6am, it's now 7pm. I'm worried about them Daryl, I just hope their safe. I love you so much Daryl Dixon, Bethy xx


	11. Day Twenty Three

It's been hard, I gave my diary to Maggie for good luck when she headed for DC with the others, she decided that she couldn't be around this and I was meant to stay here and protect the others. Not much has happened except finding a water supply and that nobody is here really. It's lonely with only Judith with me, she's learned to walk and she is now running around tumbling trying to chase her shadow when it is in front of her. Runs are rarely needed due to the haul of canned foods brought in by Sasha and Tyreese last week.

Fourteen days without touching pen to paper, Fourteen days of agony. I get you back now in some sort of way, a beautiful and special sort of way. I guess you could call it therapy. But Daryl something happened and now I can't look past his.

There was a man outside who was rattling the gates, begging us to take him in. We couldn't, we had too many mouths to feed as it was. I approached him and through the gate he grabbed me, clawing at me threatening to kill me if I didn't. He grabbed my hair line pulling it backwards when I kneed him in his manhood when his fingers clawed at my right eye leaving dirt and grit into my iris. I have now lost sight in that eye, and have added one more to my personal death toll of how many I've killed.

A dirty white eye patch, stained with red now remains over my eye rendering it useless. Judith likes to tug at it them cries seeing the red puffiness. It scared her, and I wondered if it would scare the others too. I would soon find out when they returned fourteen days after they had left. Silence stood among them as no Eugene, Rosita and Abraham were among us. Rick sat all of us down in one of the waiting rooms.

"Eugene had no cure," he said solemnly. "Rosita and Abraham wanted to deal with him, they did not want to return with us." We all nodded our heads returning to actives, which resulted in Maggie handing me back my diary and myself rushing upstairs to tell you about it. I guess this is where I got to.

The clock on the wall has stopped at 11:56, so close to a new day. I guess it could represent something if you looked deeper into it, like us being so close to a new day when it was snatched cruelly when it was just within our reach. But, life screws us all over with a bottle of jack handy and a laugh. I guess that's why I lost you, because I was so close to happiness to have it snatched away from me withing closing distance. I guess this world has an effect of turning you sour and turning you into a monster.

I'd describe you the view, but there isn't nothing worth seeing anymore. Off White ceilings covered in blood and cobwebs; dull boring trees blowing silently in the wind. The walkers have slowed due to the cold winter but so have we, I just hope we hold out for winter. We will survive, I know we will. I love you so much Daryl Dixon. Beth Greene x


	12. Day Twenty Four

The sky looks brighter today, the sun is shining and small patches of ice loitered the ground. The grass crunches beneath my feet as I walk through it with Maggie, the walkers moan loudly through the gates but we kill them. In two days there is going to be a run, I've volunteered to go. I feel like I should contribute to the group more, I need to be more of a help than a hindrance. I can not sit there behind the gates looking after Judith anymore, it's like being told you have to stay put constantly. Judith has got Sasha now, so hopefully she won't notice too much. Winters hitting us hard, we need more clothes to emerge ourselves in and since the days of indoor heating are over we need wood for fires. I'm just grateful that I'm alive and safe, I'm surviving for you Daryl.

During the trip to DC, they discovered what we had suspected. The cure had been a hoax just to find sanctuary. There was none, only a couple who had hung themselves from a barricade with a note saying "welcome to hell". They were chased and ended up separating, Abraham, Rosita and Eugene in one car and the rest in another. Surprisingly, we had lost nobody but came back with the air heavy with unspoken words between each of the team. Nobody would mention why Rick looked so sour except from when he was with Rick and Judith. I had tried to work it out but Maggie would not tell me and Carl refuses to talk with me.

The truck, my beautiful truck has long been forgotten. They use it for extra defence up against the fences and nobody is allowed to move them, I still like to sit in there though, the smooth Jazz tunes lowly humming through the cab and the slow burn of scotch stinging my throat as I nurse it to myself. It's calming and slowly evolving into a nightly routine.

Judith is getting fussy at the moment, she's teething so I have to cut this one very short, as always I love you Daryl Dixon. Beth xo.


	13. Day Twenty Five

We're all preparing for the run, Maggie is sharpening knives on the floor with Carl while I'm playing the keyboard, we found one further back in an office. Who would keep a keyboard back there? I don't know but now I'm playing Judith to sleep, this is why my hand writing is so messy because I'm holding her in my other arm. It's colder and the jeans I'm wearing are fitting too lose to my body, I'm losing too much weight but I'm not going to complain at least I'm being fed. Each mouthful could be are last and every single feeling could be our last. This is why I'm here with everyone, tomorrow could be my last day alive, it probably won't be because of Maggie watching me constantly.

I pray the world becomes better for Judy, that she will get to go on stupid dates with stupid men who will not be good enough for her. I hope they get cinema back, so she can cry out of pathos for the main character and laugh at dreadful horror movies knowing she has seen much, much worse. I want her to have a normal life, I want her to be safe, and if it means taking a bullet for her I will. She is our beacon of hope, and that hope can not be killed.

Daryl, I'm not happy and I'm not sad or depressed. I'm surviving, I want to live and I so badly want to make you proud of me. I know you'll tell me I'm talking nonsense and that I've always made you proud. But, I want to make this world pure again. I want this world to become safe and to find out how the virus had started and maybe, just maybe I'll go back to the church where we buried you and I'll live there. Maybe I'll... scratch that, I will find someone who will know the story of Daryl Dixon. The man who gave up his life to save every single person that he loved, his family. Everyone shall know, including our little one Daryl. I'm pregnant and our beautiful son or daughter will know of their wonderful father who had everything to live for but died to save their family. I figured I'd need to tell you now nobody else needs to know, I'm not ready to tell them yet.

Let's see where the future takes us, I love you from both of us, Beth x.


	14. Day Twenty Six

It's the day of the run Daryl Dixon, I'll write to you later.

Love from the both of us, Beth and baby Dixon x


	15. Day Twenty Seven - Part One

Well my dearest, beautiful, and wonderful, Bethany Greene, I guess it's my turn to write to you now. You look after Glenn, Daryl and April/Austin for me Beth.

I love you so much, Maggie.


	16. Day 27 - Part Two

Daryl stood at the gates waiting for her, he had overseen the poor blonde suffering with the bite mark on her left shoulder under her birth mark.

•••

Beth whimpered in pain as her head lay in Maggie's lap and her golden ringlets tossed between Maggie's fingers, silent tears falling rapidly down her cheeks.

"We killed the men that killed Daryl in DC, that was why I wouldn't tell you about it," Maggie whispered between sobs.

"Thank you Maggie," Beth reached up touching her sisters face Maggie's hand clasped over it. Maggie and her were quietly singing to each other with sad bursts of laughter between them, until Beth's last few breaths became shaky. The choked I love you's were now exchanged between them as Beth's eyes drew closed and the metal rim of a gun pressed to the side of her head and then she was gone. Maggie screamed in vain for her sister, the youngest of the Greene family. Everyone stood around Beth as Maggie picked up the limp body pushing it into the back of the truck covering it with a blue sheet.

"What are you doing?" Rick asked as Maggie slammed the door.

"She would want to be with Daryl." Maggie answered flatly.

•••

In front of Daryl stood the pale blonde, her blue eyes glittered with confusion then connecting with Daryl's. She let out a sob racing towards her lover, enveloping him within her frail arms. She felt his face, checking if he was real before smashing her lips onto his. Beth's lips moving in sync with Daryl's until a small hang tugged at the dark blue fabric of her jeans.

"Uncle Daryl? Who's she?" The brown haired girl asked. Beth looked at Daryl with tears and confusion in her eyes.

"April, meet aunt Beth." Glenn said from behind Daryl as Beth raced towards him wrapping her arms around him crying into his shoulder. She broke away looking at the girl who's hair was cut into a messy bob and her green eyes looking up curiously at Beth.

"She looks like her mama," Beth said wrapping her arms around April's small body lifting her up onto her hip. April wrapped her arms around Beth smiling with a gaped tooth grin before running back to her father.

•••

Maggie stood in the pouring rain digging the hole for her sister, the mud sloshing with the ground and the wooden cross she'd scraped together lay at the top as Rick lowered Beth's body into the dirt before covering it up with the rest of the mud. Maggie sunk to her knees, her heart clenching within her rib cage and her fingers clawing desperately at the group.

"She's gone Rick, she's really gone..."

•••

Beth felt for the bandaging around her eye and then quickly turned away covering her eye from Daryl, only to see her hand covering it. She let the tears fall peppering kisses all over Daryl's face.

"I saw them Beth, every single one of them." He whispered to her. "I love you so much Beth Greene."

"As I love you Daryl Dixon." Daryl's hand wrapped around hers pressing it to her stomach before Beth let out a horrendous sob. He wrapped his arms around her and they fell to the floor crying onto each others shoulders. They had lost their baby but they had been reunited, a price they had no choice but to pay.

"We'll be okay Greene, I promise ya." Beth nodded as Daryl wiped the tears from around her shaking pale eyes. There they both remained sitting on their knees holding onto each other for dear life.


End file.
